sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~
- Would you like to sample my new jam? - What's the catch?
No catch. Free toast, free jam.
- Mm! - Mm!
Okay! Now, that is some zippy jam!
You could set your watch to this!
Oh, I'm so happy you all like it.
I made it with local wild berries.
- What are you trying to pull? - Pull?
People around here don't take kindly
to being tricked into eating locally grown food.
Locally grown is bad? Of course.
Because this town doesn't have enough things
that make no sense.
What are you throwing it away for?
Wait, now you want the jam?
No, but you could sell it to out-of-towners.
It's not local for them.
Ugh. "Move to a small town, Lacey. It'll be fun, Lacey."
Ugh, you...
♪ You think there's not a lot going on ♪
♪ Look closer, baby ♪
♪ You're so wrong ♪
1x03 - None of Your Beefwax
I can't believe as a farm community
you're against eating farm-to-table.
Have you ever been to a farm? That's no place for food.
Have you ever read a label on processed food?
The label tells you what's in it. You just wrote "jam."
- Bit vague. - I don't want to eat anything
that hasn't gone to the city first.
Why does it have to go to the city?
The food doesn't come out of the ground
- with labels on it. - That's it!
I'm not eating another bite from this place
unless I see the package it was shipped in.
As a vegetarian, I have to agree with Lacey.
But, uh, you're not a vegetarian,
so how are you going to pull that off?
I've been a vegetarian for seven, no, eight days,
so yeah, I know what I'm talking about.
The environmental impact of the meat industry
along with its economic... and I'm alone.
Weird. This comic book's main character is barely in this one.
Maybe he isn't the main character.
Maybe it's more of an ensemble.
Maybe there's too many characters.
Great, more characters. Hey, Davis.
What's with the red welts?
- You get stung by a bunch of bees? - Yeah.
- Oh. - I'm a beekeeper now.
Just not a very good one.
So what's the bee story? Unless it's a long story.
- A couple of weeks ago... - Boring!
I was thinking about getting a guard dog.
Except he's not home enough to keep a dog.
So I got the next best thing... guard bees.
Except that's not a thing.
Plus, there are, like, a thousand of them.
More bang for your buck.
The only drawback is this stupid wax.
Hey, mind your bees' wax!
You know there are easier ways to get honey, right?
Like walking halfway down that aisle.
Actually, we're out of honey. That delivery hasn't come in yet.
Geez, I didn't even think about the honey.
I got them strictly for home defense.
All right! I'm going to go home and name them.
I wonder how many of them he'll name "Buzz."
- Hey, cool, what's that? - An iguanodon.
Oh, I thought it was a dinosaur.
Hmm. "Lavender helps bees produce honey."
Oh, Jeeves, you old stuffed shirt, you've done it again!
Okay, you guys like lavender so much?
Go get it!
Aah! Aah!
Heel! Heel, boys! Sit!
Less... stingy... ways
to increase... honey... production.
"Use more bees." Oh.
How do I get more bees?
Now, everyone, find a partner, cozy up, and get beezy...
and remember, always use protection.
No! Don't use protection.
That'll be $10.50.
- Hey, how much for the candle? - It's not a candle, genius.
It's a gob of wax shaped like a dinosaur.
Too bad. I'd definitely pay way too much money
for something like that.
Get your beeswax dinosaur candles!
These are great.
Can you make a triceratops with three wicks?
Can I? Does an ankylosaurus have a club tail?
It does, and I can.
- I need more wax. - I can't.
It's sexy time, and I don't want to disturb the bees.
So that's how it is?
The first glob is free, then whammo, I'm hooked?!
Oops.
My bees aren't getting busy! Wonder what the problem is.
Oh, Your Highness...
thank you for allowing me into your boudoir.
Do you think you're ready for this royal jelly?
You know I am.
Aah! The giant floating head is back!
Every man for himself!
Get back here. Protect your queen!
Up yours!
Thanks for the pollen block, jerk face.
Nah, I can't be the problem. I have a sexy face.
Mm.
Hey, what's today's special?
- Isn't it obvious? - I didn't want to assume.
Those could be your own personal burgers.
Jughead may have phoned in an order.
This burger is delicious.
Almost makes up for you trying to poison us this morning.
- She did what? - Well, that's interesting,
because what you're eating is local beef!
But you all just liked it.
Come on, Oscar, take one more bite.
- Not on your life. - I'll take his.
No son of mine is going to eat local!
I'll pass on the burgers too.
I'm not sure if I mentioned this...
You have.
I'm a vegetarian, so, I'm choosing to have
- a delicious legume medley. - Malicious legroom melody?
- I said "delicious legume medley." - That makes less sense.
You know, I do have vegetarian options on the menu.
All right, I'll have one of your vegetarian options.
Actually, we're all out.
My deliveries haven't shown up today.
That's weird. I haven't gotten my deliveries today either.
Hey, Hank, want the lunch special?
I have no time for specials, Lacey. Carlene is missing.
Oh, no! That's terrible.
- Who's Carlene? - How long have you lived here?
She's the cow from Lawson's farm, and she's not at her post.
Well, I don't remember seeing any cow,
and I was just up at Lawson's yesterday
buying this... beef.
Oh, my God, we're eating Carlene!
- Why do I even try? - The real question is...
why would you kill Carlene?
Hey, what the...?
Is that honey?
The wax is gone!
Why would someone steal my beeswax?
Karen! To the garden, quick!
There's been a wax theft!
Possible guard bees down. Guard bees down!
And bring some walkie-talkie cleaner.
Hey. Where'd you get all that wax from?
Oh, interesting story. I stole it.
Wow, you spin a hell of a yarn.
I put Davis' bees to sleep using a smoker and took it all.
Eh. It's his own fault for getting me hooked.
Yeah, seems fair, provided I'm not affected in the least.
Hey, since when is our mop a rake?
- Where's all the strings? - Quit complaining. Free rake!
Okay, sure,
these burgers are most likely made of Carlene...
But they're already made,
and everyone said they were delicious.
She was just a cow, Hank.
She wasn't just a cow, Lacey.
- She was Carlene. - The cow.
Hang on, that's why we haven't got our deliveries.
You're serving up our road sign.
I'll probably regret this question, but what are you talking about?
All the truckers know the fastest way into Dog River
is to take Rural Route 9 and turn left at "the cow."
- No cow means no deliveries. - That makes no sense.
Nor does your dad showing up in sweatpants, and yet, here he is.
They're stretchy, and I got work to do.
I don't mean to trick you again, Oscar,
but you do know those are Carlene burgers?
Of course! Why do you think I'm wearing my revenge pants?
For 13 years, I've been waiting to get back
at that stuck-up cow.
_
Moo.
I said... Moo!
Why, you stuck-up...
I've never been so insulted.
So you're spite-eating Carlene
- because she didn't moo back at you? - See? She gets me.
Well, if we're all eating burgers again...
Okay, what the hell?!
They're all mine! This is personal.
I'm starting to question the guarding abilities of my bees.
They couldn't even guard their own wax.
Well, bees were a weird choice for home security.
All it takes to get past them is a smoker.
Wait a minute. I know who took my wax!
- I'm on to you. - No, you're not,
and I don't know what you're talking about.
How's it going, Zeke?
Get yourself a fresh new pack of smokes?
- Yeah, and a dinosaur candle. - This isn't about candles.
It's about wax, and you're the biggest smoker in town.
Admit it, you stole my wax!
- I-I don't know what you're... - You sadistic son of a bitch!
There's a toasty corner in Hell for wax thieves like you!
Thanks, Wanda. You're coming with me.
- Hey, Zeke. - Come on!
We really need to figure out this Carlene situation.
I'm hungry, but I can't trust the food in town.
Why don't you eat the food in your house?
I don't know how long it's been there.
I'm worried it's all turned local.
We should just put another cow in Carlene's spot.
That'd be confusing slash-disrespectful.
- How about a goat? - What? No one turns at a goat!
Have you ever turned at a goat?!
All right, listen up. In loving memory of Carlene
and not wanting her meat to go to waste,
I give you the best way to honour her...
a chili wake.
It's what Carlene would've wanted,
if cows could want things.
Don't take a bowl! Take a little bite and move on.
The rest is between me and her.
Oscar, there's plenty of Carlene for everyone.
Then let me at 'er.
You're not the only one with four stomachs, Carlene.
Getting plenty tired of that game!
Tough noogies, jackass. She's mine!
Bet you wish you could moo at me now!
You know, Oscar, weird pointless grudge or not,
it isn't healthy for one human to eat an entire cow.
You're pretty preachy
for someone who's been a vegetarian for eight days.
Nine, actually.
Well, maybe not. I accidentally swallowed a bug
when I was out roller-blading.
Not sure what the rule is on that.
Well, if we're not getting deliveries,
I guess I have to go to the city and get other food
that probably came from around here,
then went there, was processed,
and packaged to come back here.
Yeah! Go get packaged food!
Pack-aged food! Pack-aged food!
Pack-aged foo... oh, I thought we were going longer.
At least I got one jar of honey out of this harvest.
I thought nobody wanted local food.
Way ahead of you, partner.
Hey, Davis, call off your bees!
- Down, boys! Down! - Hey, uh... I was thinking,
maybe you two should go to Carlene's corner
to direct traffic into town.
How do we know which cars want to come to town?
Uh, stop every car and ask them? Duh.
That sounds like a lot of work. Karen, you do it.
I wish I could help you, Hank, but I'm a vegetarian now.
What's that got to do with anything?
Just putting it out there.
- You want traffic directed? You do it. - Yeah?
Dog River is that way!
Hey, slow down, lead foot!
I... said...
slow... down!
Why is he making those noises?
Shh. Let him have this.
Ha! Take that...
- cow! - Okay...
so I'm starting to see Karen's point.
Revenge-eating that much meat can't be good for anyone.
Hello?
Hey, I'm just calling to see if you've been able
to find your way out of town without Carlene as a landmark.
Yup, I'm fine. I'm just pulling into the city now.
Get out of my lane, hipster!
Uh-oh! There's a teen gang being rude and inconsiderate.
I've got to go.
Yup, sounds like the city, all right.
I'll take one of your wax dinosaur candles.
Hmm, I guess we're all out.
- What kind of gas station is this? - The kind that sells gas.
Wax candle dinosaur station is down the road.
- How far down the road? - I didn't... it's not far.
Listen...
everyone thinks I'm in the city picking up supplies,
but what I've learned is, if they don't know it's local,
it doesn't make a difference.
So can you promise me you're going to keep this between us?
I can promise you I couldn't care less.
Good. Do you have fresh mushrooms?
- The freshest! - Ugh...
Wow. Maybe that's too fresh.
You want some carrots?
I want some Dramamine.
- Uh, why is this wet? - Best guess, donkey urine.
- Worst guess... - No, no. I'll take your best guess.
Must keep... eating...
prove point to... dead cow...
Okay, we've got to do something.
He's still working his way through that chili.
Be a long time 'til it works its way through him.
Oh, God. He's getting a meat rash.
What can we do?
Why don't we make him some lentil chili,
and just tell him it's Carlene? He'll never know.
- Probably can't even see straight. - Well, that was pretty obvious.
I should have been able to figure that out.
But you didn't. You needed a vegetarian.
I don't anymore.
These scented candles smell like mop water.
When I lit mine, the flames went so high,
it burned my house down.
We want our money back!
You can't return a used candle. This isn't Amish Walmart.
Okay, how about this, how about this?
Instead of refunds,
I continue to sell you gas at a reasonable price.
Majority rules. We accept your terms.
- But my house burned down! - Your house was a dump.
Boy, it's sure beautiful out here,
and smell that fresh country air.
Ugh!
Does it always smell like this?
Nope. Sometimes it gets pretty rank.
- But your produce is organic? - Yup. Zero pesticides.
Oh!
Ooh! Ooh...
Ew! Aah!
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Did that really just happen?
They call it the food chain, not the friend chain.
I don't care about your life of crime,
but I'm kiboshing your candle crap.
It's causing me nothing but grief...
and you're buying me a new mop...
and not for my birthday.
I'm getting you jack squat for your birthday.
Now what the hell do I do with all this?
Fitzy, if we don't act fast, the town is going to starve.
Don't be the mayor that let that happen.
- No one is going to starve. - Okay, but, you know...
several deliveries might be delayed a bit,
and it'll be on your head!
I don't want people to think I'm irresponsible.
I guess the only logical thing to do is to drain the town's
emergency relief fund to commission a statue of Carlene
so people will know where to turn again.
Well, you two moops just hit the jackpot.
It just so happens that I'm building
a life-sized statue of Carlene at this very moment.
Very tasteful and respectful,
with a memorial string in her head...
and it'll only cost one emergency relief fund.
Holy macaroni! Talk about luck!
Oh... I've got to say, your farm is the cleanest!
We take pride in that here.
- What can I get you today? - I'd love some chicken breasts.
Are they free range?
You bet they are. Here's one now.
- Come on! - I know.
Amazing they can scoot around with no head like that.
Anyhoo, want some milk? It's still warm and thick.
I really, really don't.
Quick question... how long does this nightmare usually take?
She'll be free-ranging around here another five or ten minutes,
- but if you need to go... - You had them in packages?
Why didn't you just give me one of those packages?
Didn't know you were in a rush.
Argh!
Well, it's official. I'm out of the bee game.
They just weren't making enough honey, so I had to let them go.
- I thought somebody stole them. - Yes. They were stolen.
So I had to let them go... emotionally.
That's too bad... and after you made all those signs...
_
That's it! Signs!
I don't get why someone would steal your bees.
I know. What would you even do with stolen bees?
Hey, you want to buy a bee? Ow! Ouch!
They make great... ow... pets! Ouch!
- Dammit. - Psst! Got any wax?
It's working! He's eating the lentil chili!
- What? Lemon jelly? - Uh-oh.
He heard us... kind of.
Excuse me! I'd like to make an announcement.
You were right. I was wrong.
Local is gross!
It's better not to know where your food comes from.
From now on, everything in here comes from the city
in a clean, brightly coloured box.
You don't want that, Oscar! It's local!
Are you crazy?
That lemon jelly was the tastiest part of that cow!
Boom! That was actually 100% vegetarian lentil chili.
What? How dare you?
Oh, geez... I don't feel so good.
I got lentil poisoning.
Oh, please, the chili is fine. This is my second bowl.
Uh, Karen? The lentil chili is over there.
You're eating Carlene.
Geez, bad week to be mopless.
And now the unveiling of our new wax Carlene.
It's not as big as we thought it'd be.
Don't worry, everyone. I called all the delivery people
and told them to turn left at the tiny wax cow...
which I see now was a total waste of my time.
Wait, that's Carlene! We thought we ate you!
Sweet, beautiful Carlene...
Oscar was right. You're a jerk.
But if we didn't eat Carlene, who did we eat?
- You folks ate Marlene. - No! Not Marlene!
Moo!
Oh, Marlene, you're the best.
As long as I'm around, no one's ever going to eat you.
No!
Marlene!
Holy hell! A talking cow!
So things are back to normal, now that Carlene is back at her post?
Things are better than normal.
I just talked Fitzy into buying some signs for directions.
We ordered them from the city.
Oh, I thought it was just food we don't buy local.
Don't worry. As soon as those new signs show up,
we won't have to buy anything local ever again.
Hmm...
directions say turn left at the tiny wax cow,
but that's clearly a normal-sized meat cow.
Guess I'll just keep right on driving.
Wait! This is her! This is the right...
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~